I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
