I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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