I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
