Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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