she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
