I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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