And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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