then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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