why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I stole a fireplace last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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