pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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