I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
