oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
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By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
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I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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