this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
