I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
