Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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