Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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