I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
