now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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