make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
