she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
