What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
