I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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