I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
