i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
