I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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