I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
