we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
