omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
