Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
