Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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