If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
