You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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