we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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