If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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