Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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