It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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