Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
