Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Randomize
