Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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