I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he fucked my hip out of place.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
