I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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