I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
