Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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