This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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