I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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