i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
