saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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