I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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