nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
