You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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