if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
