Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
