She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
