i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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