you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
