if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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