Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober