I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
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Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
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Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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