The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
