i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
