This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
