is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
