The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
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i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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